The first official joke thread

[interman]

/me waves his magical wand around.
You cannot escape this thread without telling a joke.

I'll start,
a tourist once went to Vietnam for his vacation. While walking on a somewhat crowded street he saw a man and his wife coming up behind him. He was puzzled because the woman walked a bit behind him, at all times. The tourist stopped the man and asked why his wife was walking behind him. The man answered, it's our custom.

A few years later the tourist returned to vietnam, and after a few days he saw the same two people not too far from him. However, this time the woman was walking in front of her husband. The tourist stopped the man and said "a couple of years ago I stopped you and asked you why your wife was walking behind you, yet now she's walking in front of you. Why?" the vietnamese man replied "there are mines now you know.."

[Carnage]

hehe, good one Interman:)

ok, here's mine:

A girl and her mother were walking through the park one day and the little girl saw a man a women kissing. The little girl asked:"Mommie what are they doing??" The mother replied:"Baking a cake".
Later that day, the girl and her mother were in the cinema. A small sex scene came on. The little girl asked:" Mommie what are they doing?". Again the mother replied:"Baking a cake". The next morning the little girl told her mother:"Mommy, you and daddy were baking a cake yesterday" The mother asked the girl how did she know. The little girl replied:"Because I licked the icing off the couch"

[firefly]

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool." So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound. He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in. They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it. One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed. About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat. The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie."

Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to wipe her self with, so she took off her panties, used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."

The other one responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read "We will never forget you."


Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50 degrees Fahrenheit (10 C): Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens.

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C): Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows down.

32 Fahrenheit (0 C): American water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.

0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C): New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C): Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C): Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C) Ethyl alcohol Freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460 Fahrenheit (-273 C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C): Hell freezes over. The Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

Baseball Heaven?

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

[firefly]

The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday."

I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember."

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday."

And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat... on the couch... naked.

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"



Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, road apples or meadow muffins. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know sh*t?"

Mounted Cop

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

[Bucky]

A piece of string goes into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender, looking over the piece of string, says, "Aren't you a piece of string?".

The string agrees that he is, indeed, a piece of string.

The bartender replies, "We don't server your kind in here! Get out before I throw you out."

The string walks outside, and miserably sits on the curb trying to figure out where he can get a drink. Suddenly he gets an idea, ties himself in a knot and unravels his ends.

Walking back into the bar, he goes straight to the bartender and asks for a beer again.

The bartender eyes the piece of string and says, "Aren't you the piece of string that I just threw out of here?"

The string replies simply, "I'm afrayed knot."

[firefly]

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee," Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?"

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiing."



A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers asked the students to learned one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger." Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple." Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it." Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?" "From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

and to welcome Dark Angel back properly.....

http://www.tm001d6792.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/notfunny8.jpg

[Bucky]

Can't forget this one (http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/index.html)