Jokes

Q: How do you know its bed time at Michael Jackson's house?

A: When the big hand meets the little hand.

Q : How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?


A : “Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part.�

a man with a 50 cm (metric system rocks) penis gets dumped by his girlfriend because his penis is too long and so the man thinks to himself:"I should find a way to shorten my penis"
so the man is of to see the doctor and the doctor talks to him about a little migget in the forest and every time it says "no" to a man, the penis of that man grows 10 cm shorter.
and the 50cm man is of the find the little migget and when he finds the little man he asks him:"give me a kiss"
migget:"NO"
the man looks down into his pants but still he thinks he's penis is too long so again he says:"give me a kiss"
migget:"NO"
then the man thinks to himself:" well let's just make it a regular 20cm, it's still big enough" and so once again he saqys to the migget:" give me a kiss, you little migget"




migget:" NO , NO and NO"

One day a man went to see his doctor compaining about severe migrain headaches. After a long examination the doctor told the man that somehow his balls were pressing very tightly against the base of his spine and this was causeing the man to have migraine headaches. The doctor concluded the balls would have to come off.
The man thoght this was rather drastic, so he went to another doctor for a second opinion.
"Your balls are pressing up against your spine causing the headaches," said the doctor,"The balls will have to be amputated." Finally the man decided to have the operation. He went to the first doctor and had it done.
Two years passed and the man was walking down the street when he came across a tailor's shop. Wearing the same thing he had been for years, the man decided to go in and get some new threads. The tailor took one look at the man as he walked in and said,"I'll bet your pants size is 38x30."
"That's amazing,"said the man,"how on earth did you know?"
"I get paid to know these things,"replied the tailor.
After he was fitted in pants the tailor looked at the man and told him exactly what his shirt size was without measuring him once.
"That is just too cool! How did you know?" asked the man.
"I get paid to know this kind of stuff."
Pretty soon the tailor had the man decked out in a full 3 piece suit with a rather smart had to go with it all. Not once did the tailor measure the man for his clothes. "I get paid to know these things,"is what he would say.
After all that the man decided he wanted some new underwear to make him comfortable in his new suit.
"I'll bet you wear 38 medium," the tailor said, eyeballing the man.
"HA! You're wrong!" said the man,"I wear 32 medium!"
"That's rediculous," replied the tailor,"if you wore size 32 medium underwear, you'd press your balls way too tight against your spine causing severe migraine headaches."

Bringin' the old joke thread back:

An old cowboy was lost in the desert for 3 years when, one day, he came across a saloon. The old cowboy walked in and told the barkeep," I want the best room in the house, two of your coldest beers, and the roughest, toughest, meanest woman you got."
Later, the old cowboy was in his room when there was this violent banging on the door. Suddenly, in walked a thick, burly woman with a sour look on her face and two beer bottles in her hand. She slammed the two bottles down on the table in front of the cowboy and immediatly pulled up her skirt and got down on all fours.
"Whoa, whoa," said the old cowboy, "I think I'd like to drink my beers, first."
The rough looking woman turned around and said,"Well, you want to open 'em, don't you?"

Someone tell a joke.

What is red and green and goes 100 miles an hour?






A frog in a blender

What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?





Line dancing at the nursing home.

Did you hear that Micheal jackson just opened up a new school for boys?

Its called "Bringumyung University"