Jokes

Lets make a jokes thread.
Rules: Dont post twice in a row.
1 joke per post. If you wanna post "lol" or "rofl" etc. you have to post a joke as well.

I'll start.
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Tech support

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

A few signs that the world is going to shit:
1. The most popular rap star in the world is a white guy.
2. The most famous golfer in the world is a black guy.
3. The most popular basketball player in the world is Chinese.
4. Germany doesn't want war.
5. France thinks WE are annoying.
6. The most powerful men in the free world are named Bush, Dick and Colon.

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an idiot," Bob said. "Piss on him!" "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said Bob. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."

There is and indian and a black guy in a car (no offence ment by this) whos drivin?

A cop.
hehehehehehehehe

How do you get a retard to commit suicide?


Hand him a knife and ask him who's special.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?


Nothing. You've already told her twice.

Well, this next one isn't exactly a joke, but a rather amusing situation that occured for me while playing Zork the other day (sorry if it doesn't fit into the topic).

Computer: It is possible to climb down into the canyon from here.
Me: climb down into the canyon
Computer: I do not know the word "canyon".
Me: climb down invisible ladder
Computer: You can't see any invisible ladder here!
Me: of course I can't you bloody moron, it's invisible!
Computer: I don't know the word "course".
Me: Get a new processor you lameass computer!
Computer: I don't know the word "processor".

and so it went on...

More of a humorous depiction than a joke:

My wife tells me that those numbers should be multiplied by the number of women present ;)

One day after his sermon, a preacher turns to his congregation and tells them that, unfortunatly, the organ player was out sick and probably wouldn't be back for 2 or 3 weeks. He asked if there was anyone out there in his flock who could play an instrument to replace the organ player until he was able to return.
One man raised his hand,"I can play the obo", he informed the preacher. "Well, come on up then, young man", replied the preacher and that's what the obo player did.
The preacher thanked the obo player for his kindness, and turning to his congregation he said," Alright everyone, turn in your songbooks to page 10."
"Pssst," said the obo player," That one's not real good for me."
"Okay," said the preacher,"then everybody turn in your song books to page 32."
"Umm, I can't play that one either," said the man with the obo.
"Alright then, page 28."
"No," came the reply, "I really can't do that one."
It was quiet for a second when somebody yelled out, "The obo player's a motherf**ker!" This angered the preacher and he demanded to know who had called the obo player a motherf**ker. "Stand up if you called the obo player a motherf**ker." but nobody stood up. "Alright," said the preacher, "stand up if you're sitting next to the man that called the obo player a motherf**ker." Still, no one stood. "Well then stand up if you're the guy sitting next to the guy who's sitting next to the one that called the obo player a motherf**ker.
Finally, after a long silence, someone stood up. "Did you call the obo player a motherf**ker?" the preacher asked.
"No," replied the man," I didn't. I'm not even sitting next to the guy who did. I'm not even sitting next to the one who's sitting next to the one that called the obo player a motherf**ker. I just want to know who called that motherf**ker an obo player."