nxs jokes!

As a competitor to the old fart in the interman jokes thread, i hereby open the more popular MONKEY JOKES thread.
This thread is of course funnier.


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Once there was a bar that was run by monkeys, and they decided to have a contest.

A monkey walked in and read the sign that said "Make the human laugh and win $1,500.

So the monkey took a man and went around back then every one heard the man laughing.

People were amazed because no one had every done this before!

Two days later the bar had a sign that said "Make the human laugh and cry and win $4,500."

So the same monkey that won before took another man around back and everyone heard a laugh then a cry.

When they came back in the bar people were asking him how he did that.

The monkey that was running the contest finally demanded the monkey's secret.

"No one could every do it and you did it three times!?"

The monkey then said, "Well, I told him I had a bigger penis than he did.

The human laughed, so I pulled down my pants.

umm....hahaha?

A cop comes around a curve in the road and sees a bad accident.

A man and a woman both dead from a car crash. The accident seems to have no explanation but he looks up on the hill and sees a monkey waving his arms at him as if to say something.

The cop says, "hey monkey ... you know what happened?" monkey: Motioning with his arms drinking a bottle of some kind
cop: "They were drinking?"
monkey: Nods head vigorously
cop: "What else?"
monkey: Mimes smoking a joint
cop: "They were smoking dope?"
monkey: Nods head vigorously
cop: "There must have been more. This is a very strange accident. Monkey! What else?"
monkey: Mimics sexual relations
cop: "They were screwing?"
monkey: Nods very vigorously
cop: "This still doesn't make any sense.
Hey monkey! What were you doing to know all this?"
monkey: makes motion as if he were driving and looking behind him...
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The Mime

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one.
The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes.
He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls.
The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,
"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys... all on different limbs... at different levels...some climbing up.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
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A three-year-old boy fell eighteen feet into a zoo enclosure containing seven gorillas. He was immediately rescued, not by zookeepers, but by one of the animals. The 150 lb. female gorilla picked up the unconscious form of the boy and laid it at a door to be easily retrieved to by zookeepers. This cross-species rescue has resulted in thousands of dollars in donations to the zoo. It is perhaps because of these donations that zookeepers have kept quiet about one vital detail, a hastily scrawled note tucked in the boy's collar, "Thanks; but we prefer fruit."
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A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides that he just has to see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist. He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.

When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe his eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage.

After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage.

He tip-toes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man gets use to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla.

Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time.

The gorilla, pulls at the door and to the man's horror the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat.

The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along.

The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla. The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says...

"Tag, you're it".

lol, now that had me chucklin here and there

lol Lovely jokes