After a short wait (¬_¬) I'm glad to say I now have a new rapidly aging and soon to be obsolete console as an addition to my ghetto internet command center. Highlights of my super extravagant setup include an old TV table used as a computer stand (sadly, not pictured), the section of the white shell that I've stripped off my desk over the years, 10-year old analog microphone held together by tape, and my fantastic blue cardboard box monitor stand.
I would have taken this bad picture with Halo 4 running, but it was not in the box. I presume it was sent separately, probably via USPS instead of UPS. No matter, the important part is obviously the console itself. Unexpected bonus: it's the Forza 4 Essentials Edition/Skyrim bundle.
Many thanks GH, GS, and killermuppet for neglecting to stake his claim as the original winner. ¬_¬